Dear Ms. Moran
Can you adopt me? Please? Pretty please? Wine soaked pretty please.
For those that may not be familiar with the wonderful Times Columnist Caitlin Moran, she’s fucking amazing. She approaches subjects with honesty and enthusiasm; period stories are shared with a smile like drunken anecdotes. Embracing the taboo and refusing to keep it secret, Caitlin shared her top three period stories with 963 women and 41 men in Brighton. The monthly onslaught of ‘good blood’ is no different to any other yarn, making a tit out of herself in front of wonderful beautiful people like Benedict Cumberbatch.
She’s also fucking amazing because she is accepting of her flaws, making her flawless and the focus of my envy! She’s the first to say she doesn’t have legs; she has ‘tights’. She gets her stomach out on stage. She tells embarrassing stories with such gusto. Embarrassing might be the wrong word, I imagine she relishes in such events thinking ‘well this is totes jokes, gotta tell everyone!’ Her life is a series of mensies, wine inhalation and wild encounters that makes Keith Richard think his life is tame. She chained smoked with Courtney Love for days! (Though it might have been hours, but days sounds cooler.)
So there’s a couple of reasons to love her. The reason I drove nearly two hours to Brighton to Essex was to see and hear Caitlin talk about her first fictional (it’s not really!) book called ‘How to Build a Girl’. With every good will in the world, Caitlin wanted to write a book about growing up, self-discovery, poverty and rebellion. What she actually wrote is a book about masturbation! Don’t be disgusted. Female masturbation in literature should be celebrated! Forget ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, this is the book a third of women should buy.
I’ve yet to read it but judging by the chapter she read on Big Cock Al, it carries the unique sense of humour as her liberating ‘How to Be a Woman’ and her collection of journalism ‘Moranthology’. I’m half way through ‘Moranthology’ and ‘How to Build a Girl’ is next. For those of you thinking of reading it, DO! But avoid public places, you’ll be snorting with laughing and attracting the wrong kind of attention, unless you like explaining the joyous filth you are reading.
She may sound like a bad influence, but she is an inspiration. Not because her working class background, can do attitude and other similar clichés; but because of her pearls of wisdom. She speaks of heroes and used the pearl as a metaphor. We should look up to our heroes, let them shape us as grit starts a pearl. Build ourselves around that hero, but become something more beautiful and whole than what you began with. Caitlin Moran is my grit. That’s why I want her to adopt me. And her wine cellar seems well stocked.
So please adopt me!